Today I am fighting with the old programming or beliefs about myself. There is this unease. I tend to feel like I am not doing life right, not doing whatever task correctly. It’s a prickly feeling and I armor my back muscles like I’m bracing for an attack. It creates feeling like not being confident in myself, my actions, or my existence. It’s a horrid for me to be in my mind. The disconnect from what is and what I feel like things are can be very confusing.
So the old message from abusive people was I couldn’t do anything correctly. This is not only a lie but just meant to be harmful and confuse me so that I am more susceptible to their control. Well, fuck that because I am the authority in my life and I say I am doing life correctly to achieve my goals. No one gets to tell me different. I’m not going to desperately grasp for someone or look to someone to help guide me. I guide me to safety instead.
I am doing life correctly. I am taking the best care I can of myself every day and I contribute to my family that I am very fortunate and grateful to have. These are feelings that I will feel when triggered or a culmination of triggers over time bring on these feelings. Memories can also do that as I will get into an emotional flashback. It can spiral from there with feelings of desperation, confusion, fear/anxiety, ect but I am changing how I respond to myself having these feelings.
I am choosing to be very present with mindfulness and talk myself through the feelings. Acknowledging the feelings, accepting myself, comforting myself. As to the source of the abuse programming(the abusive people), you can imagine the Venom character saying, “FUCK THIS GUY!” and eating their faces. Always makes me smile. 🙂
Working through things rather than ruminating and suffering longer was not something that has come easy for me. I had to learn to separate myself enough from being in the feelings but not dissociate. I used to think being healed was really a thing that had an endpoint but now I realize healing is a practice.
I’m finding it difficult to be in this transitionary state. It is exhausting. It’s less of a fight and more of having to catch myself wander over to that old way of doing things. Self awareness helps here to understand what is happening, stop, and choose to do some grounding exercises, comfort myself, and then try again with my day.