This week it has come to my attention that I have really come a long way in my healing since 2019. In 2019 I was about 5 years into healing full time and working to better my life. I was having several panic attacks a week, nightmares, flashbacks and a whole lot of other awful symptoms of CPTSD that I experience.
I am a data oriented person so of course, I have tracked my CPTSD symptoms of the past 7 years. Here’s what I’m willing to share that has changed because I worked very hard to help myself and heal instead of kill myself:
|Panic attacks||20+ per day||3-5/wk||1 every couple months|
|General Anxiety||all day, all night||All day, all night||Periods of general anxiety during the day|
|Nightmares||Everynight||4-5 days a week||a few times the week before my period(pms effect)|
|Flashbacks||every waking hour||Several times a day||several times a day|
|Insomnia||Every night, I barely slept||Periods of insomnia lasting months||Shorter periods of insomnia to a few days|
|Headaches||Daily||most days but not all||Several times a month|
|Dissociation||Daily and not controllable||most days, brain is foggy||Present most of the time|
So in realizing all this I am sitting here with a good feeling. Through my meditation practice I can hang onto these good feelings longer. I’m allowing myself to feel proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. For most of my life I wasn’t allowed to be proud. I still see this messaging especially to women and girls. Fuck all that though. This is proof that I am capable of change, growth, and that I am unstoppable. Slowly but surely, one step at a time.
I also don’t allow myself to be continually hurt or be hurt anymore. This is so huge there will probably be several posts about it as I figure out the repercussions of this change. I am not going back anymore. I’m not checking on things or responding to abusive people from my past. I have removed them from my life and the unintentional priority they once had. My priorities are now in line with a healthier happier life for myself. I feel like things will get even better from hear as I continue to take good loving care of myself.
I still struggle a lot but the feelings are less intense, less urgent. It’s like I can sometimes remove myself from the pain and see myself as someone who is healing and needs compassion. Then I give myself that compassion. This wasn’t always easy especially when I didn’t like myself but it got easier to choose compassion than the urge to be cruel. It’s been a lot of trying things that I was very resistant to doing. Resistance is a normal. What’s important is to keep going. That’s what I am going to do. I plan to be around for a long time and to share what I’ve learned.
I’m glad you are making progress on your healing journey.
And you are right, Sarah, we are unstoppable. Healing is necessary and possible to break the cycle of pain.
I love to read this. To see how far you’ve come, and especially to see the compassion you afford yourself.
It’s a heck of a journey, huh. I don’t know if we ever reach the end, but seeing progress like this makes me think that just maybe…