I’m Depressed. Now what? (free writing)

I’ve been fighting with depression pretty hard lately. I am accepting it today and trying to do things to help myself. I am not all the way down but I am close.

In accepting that I am depressed I go over what is going on in my life. I had to end 2 friendships this summer. Several family members have passed away. The pandemic is still happening and even though most people want to get on with life, I am still immunocompromised due to my CPTSD and I also have asthma(adult onset asthma resulting from the massive stress of cptsd. And people are baffled as wo why I HATE abusers. Fuck them.)

Writing that last bit pissed me right the fuck off but really, the anger is a good thing. I can use that energy to pull myself forward and up. Just because I can take a lot of pain doesn’t mean I should. So when those friendships that ended became painful and them more painful, I had to do what is best for me. It sucks. It feels like shit but it also feels like I am stronger for it.

If I continue being in pain while my boundaries were being trampled I would be more depressed and I would get suicidal thoughts on a more intense level. It’s too much of a trigger from every other time I was abused. I will not accept the pain any longer as that just the way things are. Fuck that. It doesn’t matter if the pain was intentional or not, it was there. I was not respected. I spoke up and they did not respect me. I walked. I would have not been about to do that just a few years ago.

I have had to leave relationships in the past but I would endure years of pain 1st. I was afraid to be alone. I don’t like being lonely but I prefer it over being mistreated and disrespected. I survived so much. I will trust myself. In this choice I protected myself because I am important to myself. I don’t deserve to be in pain. I made it stop.

Friendships are supposed to enhance your life not harm you. A friend will listen to what you have to say and make an effort to respect the boundary. Even if it takes some time and more conversations, they will try. I would try. I have done it. I have been given a boundary and respected it. It’s a choice. It can suck, it can be hard to not do whatever it is that crosses the boundary but respect is everything. People can respect each other, they just choose to do so or not.

To help myself with this depression that’s trying to take hold I’ve done the DBT skill “Opposite action” by getting out of bed anyway, washing my hair, changing my clothes. I have audio to record for some projects I’m working on but I’m going to try that again tomorrow. These projects have been in progress for years so another day is ok. I can do better work if I’m rested and in the right headspace. It’s difficult to access my creative side when I am just surviving day to day again.

Self soothing: I’m wearing my favorite color, I let myself have that second cup of coffee(as long as I sip it and still eat something), big deep breathes and body scans to see where the tension is and ask it to relax a little.

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