It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and written anything creative. I used to write and create all the time – stories, poems, paintings, sculptures. But lately, I just can’t seem to get the words flowing. And I know why. Trauma has a way of stifling creativity. When we experience trauma, our focus shifts from the things that bring us joy to the things that keep us alive. We become consumed with worry, with stress, with trying to simply survive. The unspoken consequences of trauma can be far-reaching and long-lasting. For me, the process of grief and healing has been slow and difficult. But I’m slowly getting there. And little by little, I’m starting to feel I am getting a better handle on coping, healing and working all at the same time.
The type of PTSD I have is not one that I can get treatment and it goes away. Oh, how I wish it would just go away! I have CPTSD and it is constantly debilitating. The list of daily symptoms is long. I am having to cope with it and work anyway. When I say work though I am not talking about getting up and having a 9-5. I could not handle that right now. My mental health is such that I can work awhile and then I have to rest awhile. There isn’t much room for anything but coping.
To help myself through this I am trying my best to accept the way things are. I have an ideal I want to meet but really, I don’t think my expectations for myself are realistic. I have to adapt what I am doing to still get things done and take care of myself. I never know what a day for me is going to be like. It’s a daily battle to survive and I do. It’s just difficult and I am tired. I thought I would take some time off this summer after my spring debacle with working and grief. The grief of trauma recovery has been immense. The break did not really recharge me but instead gave me time to accept my situation more. I am working through it.
I’ve created some checklists and schedules that are a great help in staying organized every week. There is a lot to running a small business and having multiple income streams makes it more complicated. I’ve also been working on rehashing some old ideas and dreams I had for myself and adapting them for my life now. I am working through things. Coping with grounding myself and a lot of mindfulness throughout the day to stay present. Healing continues. Thank you for reading and your continued support even when I’m not able to post much.