Whew, what a year, huh?
I keep trying to write but there is so much and I don’t have the right words. What are the right words for pain and trauma? Do they exist? I try on twitter to write about my feelings and it just seems to fall short of how I really feel. Maybe I am still holding back. I know I am.
Having PTSD and experiencing this global pandemic has been difficult to say the least. I sit here a year after completing the partial hospitalization program and about a year into another program to help me learn how to cope with my symptoms. I’m glad I went. I’m glad I learned. I don’t know how I would be doing if I had just tried to cope on my own. Oh wait, I do know, because last year around this time I was very suicidal. I might be dead now. Living once again on bonus time so there is no excuse NOT to be brave as fuckall now.
The words-the words, what are the words? I’m overwhelmed but it’s worse than that. It’s experiencing a global trauma. Millions of people are dead and dying and I don’t think the worst of it is over yet. 1 year, 1 holiday season and humans couldn’t just hang on celebrate later. I watch in despair because I understand but I have to accept that this is their choice to gather, to not wear masks, to sacrifice themselves willfully. The information is there. I can’t control them. It’s not like I want to but I don’t want people dead and harmed.
Random segway to :
My symptoms are about where they were went I went into the hospital last year. I can cope better now. It still hurts just as much. Having more tools to help me fight the ever grinding mental health issues I suffer has helped tremendously. Why couldn’t have someone just told me and helped me? I’m frustrated that it took this long to get diagnosed and treatment. Going through each therapist in my mind and why I stopped going. Things that happened, medication shit, not believing me, my personality changing because of the wrong meds but because I’M A WOMAN they didn’t believe me.”Usually, it’s only men that react to the meds in an aggressive way.” Well, I don’t know what to tell you fucko but I was plotting murder-MURDER of the men that raped me and they brushed it off.” I still wish they were dead but I’m not willing to sacrifice myself or the life I can have now. I guess I could have let them try to give me the other meds but I flat out refused. Like full on put down that boundary and did not budge or let them convince me. I’m on a different medication that is not an SSRI or one of the other 120 antidepressants. Anyway, I do have my medication worked out and stable for now. I’m medication compliant even though I can’t remember if I took them mot days. I have a whole lot of people and tools helping me stay on track. Memory issues are a big thing going on now. Not like forgetting something when you walk into a room but like, forgetting to take medication, what I’m doing, what I’m saying WHILE I’m saying it.
OK, back to what I was saying:
Added stress of the Pandemic and changes that I DID NOT CHOOSE but currently have to accept added to my stress disorder means more symptoms and more intense symptoms. Sleeping problems, not being hungry, muscle armoring, more anxiety, more seeing and hearing things, more anxiety, and more emotional instability are just a few. It’s completely overwhelming and debilitating. I can forget focusing on anything. Even watching TV and Movies is difficult right now. It’s making my group treatments very difficult to get through.
I’m a mess but I am getting through it. If you are having a difficult time, please go easy on yourself. Now is something to survive.