I was triggered into a depressive episode after having a severe infection. The feelings and signs were all there but I felt helpless to change things. Even as I practiced the coping skills that I had learned I felt myself sink longer and lower into the depression. I can handle 5-7 things going on but when there are 10-15 things stressing me I break down. I think anyone would under my circumstances of life plus debilitating PTSD symptoms.
I have to remember that I wake up with a certain amount of stress and accept that I’m not running around like someone that doesn’t have PTSD so I need to give myself a break. The denial that I even have PTSD and should be able to just do whatever whenever without that consideration is cruelty on my part. I have struggled with this for years. I’m still in the process of talking myself through, researching specific things, and talking myself through more.
I try my best to live in the now but my PTSD is a disorder is constantly flashing memories at me and a range of other symptoms that are difficult and exhausting to cope with. I do not get a break and relief is fleeting. It’s difficult to live like this. I am making small changes to try to pull myself out of the depression and that seems to be working a little. It will take longer than I would like but what else is new. Patience is part of the compassion for myself that I also struggle with.
I would really like to process this stuff and writing is a great way to do that. It’s also a way to dysregulate myself if not done gently. This is difficult. I feel like I want to rush but healing does not work that way nor is it in any way linear. Goals are trackable but the planning part is pretty much a wash. Whatever I plan must be adapted constantly and it gets muddy and confusing after awhile having to switch up the path so much.
I am unable to sit in person with a trauma therapist just yet. I am not ready to trust someone with all of that information again yet. It seems like therapy and treatment with medications has been a bust for me. After many therapists and few successful treatments, I am left feeling betrayed, lied to, and abandoned. It will take some time for me to work up the nerve to try again.
I feel like they all want me to shut up. It’s a disheartening feeling. I can see that there is a concern that I will dysregulate but what am I supposed to do with all of this in my head? Maybe they aren’t able to deal with it either. I wish that taking a pill helped but mostly, I just feel numb and unsafe. The therapist at the hospital when I was in the partial hospitalization program that I may just have to live in the moment and not try to process the amount of trauma that I have and that using art and journaling to process the trauma may be ruminating instead of processing and cause me harm. It felt like shit hearing that.
I started healing full time and dedicated a lot of my life to healing for the last 8 years and it was the right decision for me. I haven’t been able to work much and still can only work part time but I’ve got some good strategies going. I might be able to live independently again in a few years. I have shame around that but I am also thankful that my family is helping me though this rough time in my life. Progress is being made but it is slow. Too much change too fast is also not sustainable like small gradual changes are. I will work on my patience and self compassion this week.