Yes, I said it. Establishing boundaries can feel really bad at 1st. I currently feel multiple things about my recent purging of toxic people in my life. Again. I am beginning to accept that this will be a constant in my life and there won’t be a day when I am not susceptible to toxic relationships. I cannot control the other person but I can pay attention and continue to establish boundaries. I can end relationships that are painful. I have that in my power. I am grateful for that.
I can also second guess myself and that is my normal. My anxiety dances around spouting all the things that I coulda, shoulda done. Those feelings are the swirling repercussion of me changing my life. To cope with that I play very loud music, do a little dance myself, meditate, talk to myself where I need too. It doesn’t hurt to reassure myself. If I catch myself ruminating, I need distraction. I trust myself now to know what to do. It’s still difficult. It’s still painful but for not as long.
Establishing boundaries and having to end toxic friendships feels like shit but I also want to talk about the good things that come out of it. Once you establish a boundary and see that your friend respects that boundary. Good feelings! Having to end a painful friendship feels awful during but once you remove a source of pain, the whole world can open back up again. I can feel my peace returning.
Soon after ending a couple painful friendships I felt my peace returning. “I want my peace back.” is something my gut was telling me. I have to make sure to listen to that voice. It has never steered me in the wrong direction. The feeling of peace and not more pain, even though I do miss them, is an indication that I have done the correct thing for me. My mind started to connect more to the things I want to do like artwork, working on my meditation instructor classes, and building out my passive income streams. When my brain is not in survival/pain mode I am able to think and do higher functioning things again.
Pain is a huge creativity blocker for me and I intend to try to manage my life in a way that can keep my creativity flowing, not more pain. I used to be afraid to state and enforce my boundaries but I do it anyway. No one is going to come and take care of things for me in regards to my relationships. I now consider that my responsibility to remove harmful people from my life. There is no reason for me to support and give to people who are causing me pain. I don’t need to be hurting for anyone. Back to my life of art and loving myself through this CPTSD healing thing.