My Soul is Tired

I want to do the happy things and enjoy my life. I want to get outside and meet new people. Maybe make some new friends here in NY. I want to go and do all the things but I also feel stuck at home. I’m tired of trying so hard all the time. I’m just tired of it all right now.

My soul is tired for me and what I’ve suffered and it’s tired for all the people I meet who are also hurting. I’m tired of all the shitty messaging that doesn’t even let people be themselves or help themselves because of some asinine stigma or prejudice or whatever.

The depression that comes along with grieving has been more difficult to deal with. I’ve been using as many coping skills as I can but the pain of it and the lack of energy is still there. There are times when nothing helps and I just have to ride out the emotional whirlwind.

Distraction can be really helpful with this but I can only avoid the feelings for so long. Eventually, they won’t be ignored and sit center stage in my life until I address them. I try to let myself feel and write on and off throughout the day. I’m also upset with myself about not being able to focus on the things I want to get done with my work.

I keep reminding myself though that were are still in a pandemic. There are still friends and family members getting sick and dying. I had a close friendship with someone who became toxic and I had to end that. More grief. I’m also lonely and that hurts too. I have always felt lonely but lately it has been worse, especially after I re-socialized during my time at the hospital. It’s wearing on me.

I can handle 5-8 things pretty well but 10-15 is where things start getting extra difficult. The pandemic counts as more than 1 with it being tied to all these other issues that have been a problem worldwide for a very long time.

I try to accept what is happening because I can’t change it. I’m going to try to focus on getting myself to a better place mentally and cultivate more calm in my life. I can tell I am different and not doing the things I like. I’m not creating art right now. That’s a HUGE indicator to me that I am depressed. I am always making things and creating whether through writing, painting, sculpture, videos, something. I’m not very hungry and taking in more caffeine. Cigarettes look pretty good right now even though I know better. I’m also biting the nails on my right hand.

In the hospital day program I went to for help they taught me to pay attention to myself and what I was doing. This would let me know based on my behaviors that I might need to be kinder to myself. For example, right now is the complete wrong time for me to push myself. I am already feeling exhausted and my head hurts because I’m trying to dissociate away from the pain.

In order to help myself I am going to be kind and let myself rest instead of push. Take extra good care of myself as far as food and self soothing activities. I might still not feel well during all the extra selfcare but I can practice compassion for me during this time. This helps me build my relationship with myself. I care and I show myself that I care.

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