I’ve been quiet a lot in the past month and that’s because I am making some more big changes in my life. I’ve shared a little on twitter about it. I’ve decided that I need to accept that I can only go so far by myself in my healing journey. I am no longer going to be living alone. This month I am downsizing everything in preparation for my move to upstate NY. This is so challenging to let go of stuff I’ve collected and had for decades! I’m going to do it though. It’s in my best interests. I was worried that people would be upset with me but I can’t help it. My life has to go on and I don’t live for others anyway.
The relational and developmental trauma I experienced cannot be healed without relationships. I’m very resistant and a bit bitter about it but I’m making headway to slowly allow more people in my life. Cutting ties with toxic people and having a very small group was what I needed but now it’s time to move on into another stage of healing. My healing journey includes constant changes. Some thing work some of the time. I have to roll with it and do what I need to do for my well being and life. Toxic people are still not allowed and I have no issue now with ejecting them. I block so fast and don’t even give it much thought. I don’t have to like people or give them my time. I have so much less guilt and the “what about” thoughts now after blocking.
It is not lost on me how absolutely fortunate I am to have a loving family that is willing and able to help me through this. I am moving in with them and we are pooling our resources so that I will be able to focus on my healing even more. I’m a workaholic. I love it, crave, it, and hurt myself with it. I medicate and avoid my mental health issues with work. Now I can have more room in my head for facing the challenges I need to work on. I will have the freedom to start over again. Healing for me has been a series of tearing things down and rebuilding my life in a way that is more true to myself instead of trying to please other people.
I haven’t worked for a few weeks now and had virtually no responsibilities other than taking care of my basic needs. Life have been torn down to the foundations in many ways. It sucks to start from a beginning again but it is also a blessing for me. Onward to rebuilding my life for myself. It’s taking longer than I would like but that’s the general human impatience that we all live with. Good things really do take time. But 1st, I need coffee!
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