I could tell you about my suicide attempts, the thoughts of wanting it to end, and the events that led me to want to die. I have a lot to live for though and that is more exciting. Yes, I suffer, but whatever, I’m a human. I’ve been through a lot of terrible things but I am still here. For much of my life I didn’t want to live. I did it anyway. I carried on. Four years ago I crashed hard. I made it through. Changes were made. I moved twice and I’m moving on again to another career field. I am making my life livable again and it’s exciting! I still fight every single day.
With the recent celebrity suicides in the news I realized that I WANT TO LIVE! I am not feeling suicidal or scared that I will hurt myself lately. I feel like I am on my own side and will get through whatever CPTSD throws at me while I’m healing. It’s all healing, even the shitty things like memories of abuse, nightmares, flashbacks, disassociation all part of processing trauma. I know I will get a but choked up with emotion and gratitude but here it goes…
What have to live for(in no particular order):
Pets – Have you seen my good rescue Doggos? Lily and Buster are amazing and help me so much by just loving me. They were also abused in their pasts but we all have a good life now. The good doggo life with lots of love, cuddles, hugs, play, FOOD, and peace.
Family- They love me unconditionally. I feel the same. It’s a fierce love that doesn’t seek to control but support and allow me to be me, whoever that is or what I’m going through. I know hurting myself would also hurt them and fuck that. I am the joking silly one. I want to make them laugh as much as possible with my silliness and love themselves as much as I love them.
Books to read- Since many were held back by bullshit discrimination, I’m excited to read new authors that are not the traditionally published. Dumbass humans that can’t figure out that other humans come in different colors, shapes, sizes and genders, sexuality, preferences, and it takes all kinds of people for the world to work. Anyway, there are blogs and books from people I would have never been able to learn from before producing content that I am excited to pure into my brain!
Books to write- I have a story. It will be healing to tell it. Maybe my life can help someone else.
Positive contributions to make like- Yes, I have an agenda if I am going to stay. My aspirations in life have to do with helping others to heal, sharing info, teaching healthy coping methods. I have a lot to learn still but that’s also another exciting part of life for me.
Art to create- I’m a sculptor at heart and I am making my ceramics studio happening. I’m also painting more and enjoying the chaos of watercolor. I have notebooks of sketches and ideas.
ME! – I am still figuring out who I am underneath all the dissociation, coping, and other CPTSD symptoms. Who I am is nothing like the abusive people told me I was. I don’t need anyone to tell me who I am anyway. Now that I love myself a little I want to go shout it to the damn rooftops! I LOVE ME! I’m already a loving person but I feel like my heart had grown even larger. That also means I’m more protective of myself and my own well being.
Future- Who knows what opportunities will arise? I plan to be here for it.
People(YES,REALLY? I KNOW,WTF!?) Yes, people. There are amazing people out there. We focus on the jerks but there are also people that are just well, flat out fucking amazing human beings. They inspire me to learn, grow and love. They inspire me to live. Some of those people are reading this post right this very moment! Thank you to everyone that comments and shares my posts as well as their own experience.
There is more but that’s the short version. This could be a book all in itself.
Of course you have to live! The world is a better place with you inside it! And yes, I believe I belong to the last group of reasons you stated! (At least I hope so).
Enjoy every moment of your life. It will be worth living it!
I’m proud of you. I’m happy of you. My life is better with you in the world.
Thank you for being here. And for staying here.
With endless love, Mario.
“I love me!” is wonderful to see here.
This is such a positive and inspiring post to read! 4 years ago when you crashed, if someone could of shown you this post and told you that you wrote it, you probably would have told them they were crazy! That just shows how far you have come, just think how much further and stronger you will be another 4 years down the line!?!
The points you have listed are awesome, you should definitely think about writing a book, you have a serious talent for writing, the way you write and are able to put things across in writing is extremely good, even though the subject matter is dark and the fact that some of (if not all of it) is hard to write about shows what a talent for writing you have. And without a doubt, your story will help others, it’s helped me!
Keep up with your art, painting, sculpture are great ways of expressing yourself
Pets are great companions! Unlike us humans they don’t judge
You seem like a real free spirit, but one that’s been wrapped in chains for a long time, to me it sounds like the chains are slowly breaking off now…keep fighting!!