What I believe about myself and what is the truth can be two very different things. I keep believing that if I “do this set of actions” or “the right things” then I won’t feel like 3 day old ran over dog shit. Like life is a puzzle and if I just find the right pieces, life will be wonderful. I realize I am blaming myself for believing. I’m also treating myself like a computer or a machine instead of a human. More like a vending machine. Put these 3 pieces of silver in and get a nice life out! What a CROCK!
The truth is that it’s fucking fantastic that I am recognizing a behavior or belief system that no longer works for me. Instead of blaming myself and being nasty, mocking, and rude, my strategy now is to just go with how I’m feeling and to take care of myself. I cannot keep trying to live as though I don’t have Complex PTSD. It is a difficult adjustment.
I’m not blaming myself for being abused. That ship has sailed! The only people to I blame are the ones that committed the abuse. I’m not angry or blaming myself for loving someone or being vulnerable. The best things in my life are the result of loving people. Love is not the problem.
The point is that I’m not feeling well due to having Complex PTSD not because I’m not doing something I should be doing. The dreaded “Should” that I actually do hate. I’ve been working on not using “should” as it is part of how I compare myself to others and shame myself. The 1st part of correcting something is recognizing it. It is progress. Progress like I put in multiple fucktons of effort and a 1 little granule of golden healing squeaks out. I immediately weld it into my soul of course! Healing is slow.
Healing is slow but you’re not alone. Your family, your friends, even those who live at the other side of the planet are at your side.
Keep pushing. Love is all around you.
Healing, as you well know, is one long hard battle. You’re right though, it is a battle with yourself, it’s a battle with those wounds and like you say beliefs in your head.
Never compare yourself to other people Sarah, it’s one thing I used to do a lot, and it just served to make me feel worse about myself…but it sounds like you’ve recognised that and are working on it.
You are healing everyday, just keep on doing what you are doing👊👊
If you’re having a bad day just remember that you’re inspiring other people on their healing journey too, and remember that we understand where you are coming from, you are not alone!
I for one love your grit, fight and determination it’s inspiring to me.