The symptoms of my PTSD have become so intense that I started to spiral down again. Even though I am surviving I do not feel that I am improving at this point. I’ve decided to get back into therapy and had my first appointment on Monday. This was not a regular therapy session but an introduction and an intake session. Basically, I spilled my guts about the multiple traumas my life to a complete stranger in a little room. This is nerve-racking in itself but disclosure of my traumatic events is a trigger that I have to fight as well. I felt okay for the first couple hours after this intake session but that evening I started feeling more anxious and scared. I think I was subconsciously dealing with telling someone. There used to be safety in secrets.
On a positive note, I really like the new therapist and her collaborative approach to therapy. I felt respected and my symptoms that are causing the most distress taken seriously. She even took more time with me to draw up a safety plan and some popular grounding techniques to help me to self sooth. I am simultaneously looking forward to and dreading the work. I know I will feel better if I keep going and that helps to motivate me to keep at it. I have found that I feel worse before I feel better when stating therapy. I have some weird issues about self reliance and failing that are not healthy. I’m trying to rewrite over the damaging lessons I was taught and that society reinforces. I won’t let my pride get in the way of living a better life.
My next appointment is tomorrow. I am calming down from disclosing the abuse and some new memories. Now I’m feeling myself rev back up again in anticipation of tomorrow. I’m nervous but healing and coping through PTSD is the most important work of my life. The alternative is death so the choice is pretty clear. If I want a better life I’m going to have to have to fight for it. Good thing my mom raised a fighter!
While I’m sorry you hit a low point, the therapy is great news. You seem to have found the right person, and you will not be doing this alone. You definitely are a fighter, and worth fighting for. You’re going to win this fight.
Hey miss listen up! You are phenomenal person and an inspiration. You keep fighting. Keep doing the work. I know it’s a touch cheesy but I have a motto I try to follow. “What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” I know you can do this. You know you can do this. No matter how difficult it gets you can handle it. I will be here if you ever want to vent or talk or whatever but just keep fighting. It’s one of the things I like about you. Your strength. I can’t pretend to know what you’re suffering through but I know you can beat it. Anyway, keep fighting.
Your friend wishfully,
Hate to hear that your symptoms have become very very intense and sent you spiralling down. But you are still improving, even though you feel like you aren’t (at this point). On the other hand this spiral has got you back into therapy and with a good therapist by the sounds of it, which can only be a good thing.
I don’t need to say keep fighting anymore because by now I’ve come to understand that you will never stop fighting, which shows your strength of character!
Just remember that you’re an inspiration, so you go and carry on kicking PTSD’s ass!
Love and respect