Due to PTSD I have memory issues. My mind protected me by locking away memories so that child me could survive. I’m processing a little at a time as new memories of more trauma come through. The bad thing is that there are some days when I can’t remember much of anything about my childhood, good, bad, or otherwise. The whole damn things gets locked up and inaccessible. I can remember different things on different days. It is very frustrating and it could be part of my dissociation making me feel so disconnected to myself. Anxiety does not help this at all. Some days I just have to let myself fall apart over and over again and then pick up the pieces. It’s exhausting!
A couple days ago I was loopy(ok, I’m still loopy) from my PTSD meds combined with Dayquil and I drifted into this lovely warm memory and it was really weird. It was definitely a memory but it was BEFORE the sexual abuse. It was be before I was hurt. It was PRE-Trauma me. I have had no recollection of pre-trauma me until that memory. I checked my journals. I used to feel really sad about my 1st memory being of pain and terror. I accepted it, did the work, and then this memory hits me like a giant fluffy comforter that is fresh out of the dryer! I sat in the comfort of this warm memory coming into focus.
My new 1st Memory
I am very young(maybe 2) and I’m at my grandmother’s house. She is smiling as she is looking down at me. I can’t really make out what she is saying but the tone is pure love. It has a sweetness that makes me feel all warm and I grin more as she continues to speak. I can’t understand her because I don’t speak English yet. I’m still a baby. I’m loved and safe and….
I’m crying now as I write this. The massive feeling of love and being grateful just hit me again. My grandmother passed away about 6 years ago so I am sad but I am so grateful because what a gift to be loved like that! This brought back a tumble of other wonderful memories of my family. I sat with the good memories for the 1st time in a very long time.
I just wanted to share that because it really felt like a big breakthrough for me. I also have to scoff a little of the irony that I had to fully accept not remembering for the memory to come through. Also, go DayQuil or the fever or whatever. I’m grateful. I think it is because I’m talking about it all again and without hesitation or shame, too. Hack my brain with love and sass? Seems to be my answer so far.
Here’s some silly! I think I need to end with some silly on my posts because I cover some heavy stuff and laughter is good for us!
This helps me a lot now …to know those fragments of memories can be reclaimed. The good memories are there waiting.
That memory is a wonderful gift; I’m glad it has come to you.
A big step in your healing process!!!
Thank you for sharing and big hugs to you!
That really is lovely to read, and thank you for sharing that ?
For me personally I always find that when you just let go then that’s when good things happen, good memories, good situations etc. Maybe it was the fact of a combination of meds, fever, DayQuil and your mind was in a state where the memory just came through.
I always used to try and force things to be good or question why things weren’t good “why can’t I just be normal” “I just want to be happy” “I want to remember when I was happy” or today I’m only going to think good thoughts (but deep down I knew and my mind knew I’m only thinking good thoughts to block out bad memories) so ultimately it was the bad memories that were ruling me.
It’s great that you have experienced these pre abuse memories, I would say that’s a significant break through in your healing and one that you should be very proud of for coming this far! The pre trauma memories are all still in there, and they will come through. It does take time though as you know, but hey, you have time, and once that first memory has come to you then it sometimes leads to others to come through too ?.
Anyway, go Sarah! Huge breakthrough, and really proud of you, you’re doing so well, despite how hard it is!
Sending best wishes