Accepting myself the way I am has also led me to learn more about myself. What is really me and what is the PTSD? Will I really be that different as I heal more? This is confusing to me. I meet myself everyday, where I am. I’m looking forward to knowing more about myself that is my true self and not who I tried to be for the abusive people in my life. Yes, you read that correctly, I severely adjusted my behavior to survive in such a deep way that I was lost to who I really am.
To survive I learned to be quiet and still. Don’t get noticed too much. Don’t feel too much. DON’T CRY. Be as numb as you can and don’t make waves or stir shit. Stay out of everyone’s way. Don’t talk about yourself. Don’t be proud or creative or think outside the box. Don’t offer your opinion no matter how much you think it is right.
Of course the real me peeked through and reached out anyway. This usually got me into trouble but one of the times the real me came out was when I decided to quit my office job to dance on stage for dollars. “An adventure!” I enthusiastically thought as I smiled to myself. My rebellious side devoured this new delicious feeling…and the freedom. I danced and swayed, I climbed around on the globe cages like a monkey and got completely ripped. Something else strange happened. People told me nice things. I know it may seem strange but I wasn’t used to it at all. After awhile, all these positive comments from staff, other gals, and customers started to seep in a tiny bit. I met a touring gal that was selling magazines and DVD’s and I had to meet her. I always wanted to be in magazines since I found a Penthouse mag hidden in a closet. To my surprise she told me I was beautiful and I should go to Los Angeles. I could get a lot of work and definitely be in the adult magazines.
With the little bit of confidence I had gained along with that true bit of myself that is eternally and weirdly optimistic I started to research. I found an agent and agreed to fly to LA and shoot porn! I was 23 years old and had never flown in an airplane. My true self came through and I faced my fear of flying. I ran off and joined the porn circus figuring they would throw me back but what the hell. Adventure!
They didn’t toss me back. In fact, they embraced me and helped me. I live my life on my terms now. The adult industry has been what has allowed me to take these past 2 years to heal. There is still a huge stigma about the adult industry. Without it I would be living in poverty. Will I ever be able to be hired at a regular job after being in the adult industry for over 10 years? Nope, probably not. That’s ok, I don’t want to work for other people anyway. One of the amazing things I’ve learned is that I can make my own way. I get to be my true self, no matter what that self is that day. I get to live many lives and explore myself, the artist inside of me, my sexuality. ALL THE THINGS I want are open and waiting for me to experience, to have, to live. I will thrive.
Who Am I?
I’m strong, resilient, adventurous, thoughtful, empathetic, loving, LOUD, sassy,bossy, wicked, and someone who stands up for other people and includes everyone as much as I can. I’m creative and kind, silly and moody. I overshare. I am a survivor. I have survived each day no matter what happens. I’m still here. I’m still living my life and loving the best way I know how. I want to lift people up as I get better too. I’m proud of myself and I don’t care anymore about who doesn’t like it. PROUD! I’m that person that wants everyone to succeed and do well. I don’t compete with others. I have boundaries and I’m still learning to establish them and stand up for myself. I make up words and silly songs. I cry happy tears and sad tears every day. I love passionately and feel passionate about everything I’m interested in. I go off on tangents and I forget that I’m human needing things like food. I’m a work in progress that I don’t want to ever stop. Always forward, onward upward. I told you, weirdly optimistic. Sometimes, I’m pretty damn brave. I’m really sensitive. I don’t take criticism well. I tend to shift my boundaries or ignore them to explore. This is both a source of immense growth and can be pretty dangerous too. What is a comfort zone anyway?
I recently took a bunch of online tests for fun and just explore what would come up. After about 10 Myers & Briggs personality tests I kept coming up ENFP. I had to retake the test a bunch of times because I took it a long time ago and I tested as something completely different. I couldn’t believe someone just laid it all out there for me to read about myself, my true self that I tried to hide from everyone. What is described is literally me when I am being my high functioning self. This made so much sense to me. It helped me to realize that many of the things I was taught to repress as “not ok” was part of my true self and my personality. Fuck repressing myself. Fuck holding back. Also fuck pants and repetitive boring shit that people expect. Fuck expectations and bullshit from narcissistic assholes. I come from love and I will continue to treat the world with love. I now turn this immense love I have had for other to myself. Nothing stops me from what I want unless I let it. I look forward to further developing myself and growing into ME. Not who they told me to be, who they said I was, who they wanted me to be…just ME.
This to me sounds a lot like synergy, a term that is confusing to me but comes to mind. Two people working together accomplish more than each separately in the final outcome. In this case it is within yourself. I have felt that in myself, and was told it is like ‘saving yourself first before helping others’ which just confused the shit out of me because I felt I was a ‘giver’ and others working near me were that way. They were not, they were takers sucking the life out of anyone for their own purpose. So things got done on projects, a group dynamic. That meant more work was heaped on which I liked. Who doesn’t like getting things done? Finally it all fell apart, and I am still wondering how I got myself ‘out’. I didn’t change much, it all just changed around me. So…
Keep being yourself in the discovery of your way out and onward through PTSD life as you define it.
Thank you for being YOU and for continuing your search for yourself.
Wherever You’re going, I’m going your way (moonriver)
Wow! Outstanding job on getting to truly know thyself. The world at large could take a page groin your book. Damn you never cease to impress me. I must meet you someday
Hi Sarah. This is so uplifting and positive. I particularly like the idea that you’re “work in progress”. You seem to be so full of energy and I look forward to more of your posts.
I’ve listed you on my site too: http://www.talkingofincest.com